Party shots

Recently Michael was talking with someone who mentioned that her daughter was graduating from high school this spring, and, though neither one really cared much about a party, she was going to throw one anyway because the girl really needed the money she expected people to bring in order to help her off to college in the fall. The daughter estimated that she could get as much as $800 out of her guests, which would help a lot with books and clothes.

I was aghast and appalled to hear of this cool and collected intention of, well, collecting. When I tried to express my sense of astonishment to Michael, he asked me how it differed in any way from a bridal or a baby shower. ‘You throw a party and expect people to bring gifts to you! How is that any different?’

Well. That one stumped me for a minute. I admit that I’ve gone through baby and bridal showers sans a blush of shame for the extraction of lovely presents from innocent party guests, but something about this scheme just affronted my sense of propriety. Naturally I could not rest until I had catalogued all the reasons why a graduation party, as a deliberate money-making venture, differed qualitatively from a baby or bridal shower.

First, showers are time-honoured, long-standing traditions with the stated purpose of blessing the guest of honour with the support of the community. A graduation is a big deal, too, but it stands for the completion of something, not the beginning of something. If our culture has changed to the extent that we now need to add college showers as a rite of passage and accept them into our way of thinking, then for heaven’s sake let’s be honest about that and admit that you’re throwing your daughter a going-off-to-college shower.

Which brings us to our second point, which is that immediate family members are not supposed to throw showers. Originally, I suppose, this came from the notion that families were so close and ended up supporting each other’s needs to the extent that a question of conflict of interest might arise. I don’t have a problem with a family member throwing another one a shower. I’ve participated in such showers. But it has to be handled tactfully so as not to give the impression of a money-grubbing domestic enterprise.

Those were the main objections I could think of right off. But there have to be a lot more. So I fell back on elaborating my original points more bashingly. A shower is a shower, with the stated intent of gifts. A party is a party, given in honour of someone, to celebrate with guests. In our greedy and mercenary culture, many people have come to associate parties with gifts. But it is wrong to do so. I am always torn between writing ‘No gifts please’ on invitations, because I truly don’t want loot, and not doing so, because, as Miss Manners admonishes, so doing will imply that one was actually thinking that someone might bring a gift.

(Just to clarify: I love presents! But I don’t really need anything, and I don’t expect them, so they’re always a pleasant surprise when they do happen. And I love being invited to parties, and always enjoy picking out a gift, and only very rarely feel under obligation, and that’s so uncomfortable that I never want to impose that on anyone else.)