Dear Scranton Times-Tribune

To Whom It May Concern:

I understand that you recently published a story wherein reporter David Singleton alleged that someone in the crowd shouted "Kill him!" (referring to Obama) at a Palin rally, and that you continue to stand by the story, insisting that "the facts reported are true and that's really all there is," despite the fact that the Secret Service investigated the matter thoroughly and found no evidence that this event actually transpired. I really appreciate how you stand up for your employees, even when there's no corroborating evidence for their stories and all eyewitnesses interviewed deny the story's veracity.

(Actually, it kind of reminds me of the old saw: "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" If someone yells, "Kill him!" at a political rally, and no one hears it, did he still say it?)

Because this is the kind of job security I'd value, and because I'm starting to get a feel for the kind of sensational yet utterly unassailable stories you run, I would like to submit my own article for publication to your newspaper, recounting the events which I personally witnessed at a local McCain rally. I was there in person, and at one point I distinctly heard a fervent McCain supporter yell, "Tar and feather him! Draw and quarter him! Run him out of town on a rail!" when Biden's name was mentioned. Actually, I also heard another unmistakable McCain supporter yell, "Roast him! Boil him! Squash him into jelly!" *

No one else heard or saw any of this, aside from me, but I was there and I swear it happened. I know you take your reporters' observational skills seriously, so I'd like to get on the payroll quickly and have my investigative skills bolstered and strengthened by the dignity of this great paper. Please advise me of your word limits and deadlines, and I'll get the article written up posthaste.

Sincerely,

Concerned (and Attentive) Citizen

* There was actually a UFO hovering over the platform during this event, too, but I think I'll save that for my next article. As fate would have it, no one else noticed it, so - lucky you! - you'll get a national scoop on that one too!