As I filled out an online order recently and paused before selecting a title to go with my name, it dawned on me that I no longer have to shrug away a slight sense of guilt as I click decidedly on Ms. Somehow over the past few years, my tastes have gradually changed, and although I'm sorry for all the politics behind the title, I can't help the reasons other people may have for liking or disliking something. I never thought I'd say this, but I actually like the title.
Of course my first preference for address will always be Miss, just as it's far better to be a princess than a queen, but granted that that's no longer an option for me (other than the charming southern salutation of Miss Rose, which I still get from little children and absolutely adore), far and away my second pick is Ms. Why do I feel this way? Am I not happy and fulfilled to be claimed at last, to be set apart and duly noted as someone's wife?
Of course I love being married, but I also love accuracy, and as such it is grammatically imperative that I not call myself 'Mrs. Rose Focht,' which technically means 'The wife of Rose Focht,' Mrs. being an abbreviation for Mistress. That leaves 'Mrs. Michael Focht,' not only a difficulty when one is buying a plane ticket or other item where it is imperative that the names match the driver's license, but also a check to my personal sensibilities.
I don't like the thought of being someone's mistress, even in the proper old-fashioned sense (just as I'm always trepidatious about reading aloud that passage in The Prisoner of Zenda where Sapt tells Rudolph to go in and make love to the princess - in the charming, old-fashioned sense, of course, meaning to woo and win her affections). And I'm not even sure I like the idea of being described simply as someone's wife. (I know, I know, I need to go out and read a marriage book about how being a wife and helpmeet IS a calling and there is nothing 'simply' about it.)
Seriously, I love being Michael's wife and I embrace the thought that our fates and fortunes are irrevocably linked; I am glad to have taken on his last name and there was never any question about retaining my maiden name; and I fully accept my destiny and my role as his companion and helper. But that doesn't mean that my married name has to imply the lack of a complete personal identity and an existence only in his shadow. I like my name, which already reflects my new identity as a wife, since it is a combination of my Christian name and his surname, and I'm proud to use it. Indeed it was a bit of a sacrifice to take on his name, both of my names now being so very monosyllabic, but I did it gladly as a symbol of the uniting of our two lives and the creation of a new household wherein we function as one unit. But within that union are two very different people, not just Mr. Michael Focht and Mrs. Michael Focht, which sounds a little bit like Michael Focht 1 and Michael Focht 2, like Thing One and Thing Two from The Cat In The Hat.
Besides, Mrs. just sounds so matronly and...stout. Or backwoodsy. ('The Missus is in them thar kitchen fixin' up vittles while I smoke this here pipe. Want a chaw?') It used to be that someone whose name started with Mrs. was just grown-up. Now that I'm on the other side (and indeed the grass is green), I would feel like such an impostor pretending to be a Mrs. Like I'm grown up already! Just because I have a baby and a husband!
8 comments:
I can sooooo relate to this post. I have always had very negative connotations with any prefix to my first name, largely in part to my west coast heritage. "Miss" gave me a picture of an uptight old maid; "Ms" always conjures up images of Gloria Steinem and bitter feminists and; "Mrs" seems to be the name of a MUCH older woman, like my mother-in-law. And while I relish our new life and family as a couple, I see myself as a very distinct personality. -rlr
Hmm . . . I always felt quite the opposite, for a couple of reasons.
One was perhaps a rather painful display I saw at a political meeting many years ago, where the wife of a local political figure got up and complained in front of a few hundred people about always being introduced as the wife of so-and-so. I thought it said a lot more about her personal insecurities than anything else. Anyway, I then and there resolved never to be like that.
I see my husband's name more as a team name, and I'm quite happy to identify myself primarily as a member of that team.
As to the age issue, having taught students only a few years younger than myself, I've had occasion to really value Title Last Name address as a way to signal proper distance and respect. And I don't want every clerk and telemarketer addressing me as a bosom friend. A little distance is in order.
The impropriety and occasionaly necessity of Mrs. My First Name is still a problem though, and so I don't mind using Ms. when needed. But it's still definitely not my first choice.
I think Ms. is a great invention, like a good many feminist stances where I didn't like the politics but I really like the result. How is someone to know if I'm a Miss or a Mrs.? Ms. is a good middle ground.
I was very glad to take Darren's name when we married (and, as everyone who knows anything about me realizes, that was evidence of real, true love). But I've pondered how to create a surname system that doesn't favor males exclusively. It's merely reactionary to have the males take on the females' names(although, if you think about it, it's a lot easier to verify who the mother is than who the father is). You can't combine two surnames to create a new one, because that would wreak geneaological (sp?) havoc, and hyphens don't work after the first generation. (In my defense, I'm pondering this in connection with writing stories about other cultures.)
On formal invitations I don't mind Mrs. and Mrs. Darren Jones. Nor do I mind Mrs. Sara Jones. But I absolutely dislike being Mrs. Jones, and keep trying to get the neighborhood kids to call me Miss Sara.
-- SJ
My best guess is the patronymic naming system is one of civilization's attempts to solve its most pressing problem: getting men to take responsibility for their offspring. It has a lot more going for it than our modern substitutes, paternity suits and child support laws. At least it appeals to men's better natures. I bet any alternative naming system would have significant society-wide effects, which would be interesting to see in a story. Maybe a purely location-based surname system?
Rachelle, for some reason 'Miss' never made me think of an old maid (at least in reference to ME!), so I guess I don't have unpleasant associations with it. But I definitely prefer it to go with my first name!
QOC, I agree with you on the political ramifications of the Mrs./Ms. issue, and I am hesitant to overtly distance myself from Mrs. for this very reason: I don't want to cause a scene. I consider my part of the teamwork, however, to be complete in taking his last name, and stop short of taking his first name, which is after all a boy's name, for crying out loud! On the age/respect issue, I usually find that 'Ma'am' works well for me, and I appreciate hearing it from...hmm...the appropriate ranks???
Sara, I believe that many Hispanic cultures indeed incorporate both mother's and father's surnames into the child's name, providing a complex but very self-explanatory full name. I have a very good friend from Costa Rica who has a very long full name (she doesn't use the whole thing in everyday correspondence) and I know her mother's maiden name comes into it somehow. But I don't know where they draw the line. Some Muslim cultures do the same thing with the patriarchal line. It's complex, either way. And I certainly don't mind the formal address on wedding invites and such. As long as people realise that my name really isn't Mrs. Michael Focht.
Ooh, Sara, I have a great idea for a new system! How about (Christian name) (location/province) (occupation)? Like Ria Jaize A'Castle, or Kiern Emerald Locke, or Luff Emerald Carver, for instance.
Ha, ha, Rose, very funny. I already ran into problems with THAT system -- does a son take his father's name even if he moves or changes occupation? What if a daughter has an occupation? Why is it the father's name, not the mother's? QOC has a good point about paternity, of course, but it seems too easy a default to structure an imaginary society that way. Then again, it's a structure that crosses East-West, ancient-modern lines, so I guess it's legitimate.
My Mexican/American friend explained the Latino method of surnames once. We still couldn't grasp it. It's very complicated, but quite useful.
-- SJ
P.S. Two of the examples you listed have been dismissed from the set and sent back to the Rent-A-Character store.
Let's see: the Thug, the Villain, and the Heroine. Which two did you think the story could do without??
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